If communication is not your forte, don’t worry. Below are 10 signs you can look for to help you increase your communication awareness and enrich your relationship in the most mindful, uplifting ways. Unhelpful: You are so irrational; your opinion is just plain wrong. Helpful: Your perspective is different from mine. I’d like to know more about your thoughts so that I can understand you better. Unhelpful: Our bills are past due again; if you were smarter, you’d get a better job, and we wouldn’t be in this situation. Helpful: We’re a bit behind on our bills. Let’s sit down this weekend to work out a budget and payment plan. With a little bit of teamwork, I know we can get our finances under control. Unhelpful: You’re completely inconsiderate and selfish. You’re not even thoughtful or responsible enough to let me know when you’re running late. Helpful: I understand that the commute can be unpredictable, yet I feel hurt when you don’t let me know you’ll be late. I’d truly appreciate a quick text or call when you’re running behind. Healthy communicators tend to focus on the speaker, make good eye-to-eye contact, and physically lean in during the conversation. Unhelpful: Why am I snickering and rolling my eyes at you? Because you’re so irrational. Helpful: I feel so connected to you when you hold my hand and really look at me when I’m talking. I feel seen, valued, and understood. Unhelpful: What’s wrong with you? Can’t you just let me do other things while you talk? Helpful: You’re my priority, and what you have to say is important. Let me stop what I’m doing to focus on our conversation. Unhelpful: You’re f-d up. And you think you’re a good partner? Why don’t you just get out of here? Helpful: I feel really angry when you dismiss opinions. I need a break right now to re-center; I’m taking a walk around the block and will be back in 15 minutes. True, active listening involves slowing down to actually hear what another person is saying without interjecting an opinion. In fact, interrupters are generally very poor listeners; rather than listening, their own internal dialogue—which spews out as an interruption—is proof that their attention is self-focused rather than other-focused. Unhelpful: Stop! What you’re saying is absolutely wrong! Let me tell you how it is. Helpful: I listened fully to what you had to say. Is there anything else? I want to make sure you’re finished before I share some thoughts. Unhelpful: You always want something. If it’s not a new car or your latest hobby, you’re after a trip somewhere. Now you want to redo the backyard. Isn’t enough ever enough for you? Helpful: I’m feeling a little stressed about redoing the backyard right now. I’ve looked at our budget, and it would be a struggle this year. What do you think about holding off until next spring? We can set money aside and really do it right. How does that sound to you? Unhelpful: Giving the best of yourself to your work or personal interests and leaving little energy to communicate with your partner. Helpful: Setting aside time every day to talk with your partner. Whether by taking a walk together, sitting down to share coffee, or having dinner at a table together (instead of in front of the TV), your communication—and your relationship—will flourish. While some minor issues do fade if left unaddressed, many are recycled issues that are never solved. When core hurts, resentments, or irritations are not addressed, it’s a sign that positive strategies are needed. Unhelpful: I’m not going to forgive. I don’t care if you apologized and made things right. I want you to pay for what you did for the rest of your life. Helpful: I’m hurt and feel like we need to get to the roots of what happened. My fear is that you might hurt me in the same way again; it’s important to me that you are genuinely accountable for what you did. I think it will do both of us a world of good to gain more clarity and understanding. We can then start fresh. Here’s more on how to fix a lack of communication in relationships. Blending traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices, Manly knows the importance of creating healthy balance, awareness, and positivity in life. Recognizing the need for greater somatic awareness in society, Dr. Manly has integrated components of mindfulness, meditation, and yoga into her private psychotherapy practice and public course offerings. Her psychotherapeutic model offers a highly personalized approach that focuses on discovering and understanding each individual’s unique needs and life-path goals.
