“Why are you getting so defensive?” they ask. In the heat of the moment, you’re 100% convinced that you’re just stating the facts of the situation and sharing your point of view. And that’s not being defensive, right? …Or is it? “To be defensive is to react with an overprotective mentality to a situation that perhaps doesn’t warrant it,” marriage therapist Linda Carroll, LMFT, writes at mbg. “Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn.” This is a tough pill to swallow, but here it goes: Any time we respond to another person’s concern by trying to defend ourselves from being blamed or at fault, we are being defensive. If you find yourself in an argument with your partner trying to explain why you didn’t do anything wrong, why you’re not the bad guy in the situation, or why they shouldn’t be that upset with you, you’re more than likely being defensive. But the problem is, defensiveness is anathema to connection. When we defend ourselves in conversation, typically it’s at the expense of our partner feeling like their needs and emotions matter. We prioritize protecting our ego over caring for our partner and our relationship. “There are very few scenarios in which we truly need to defend our point of view. Rather, we are mostly driven to do so by the desire to be right,” Earnshaw writes at mbg. “In these moments, we are held within the grips of the ego, which acts as a barrier to authentic communication and connection.” Defensiveness can have disastrous consequences for a relationship. According to research by psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., defensiveness is one of four communication habits—dubbed the “four horsemen”—tied to an increased likelihood of divorce. “Getting caught up in explaining why one person’s perspective is right and the other person is wrong is one of the most unhealthy communication dynamics that people can enter into in relationships,” Earnshaw explains. This shift in mindset will dramatically improve the outcomes of the conversation, in part because it’ll put your partner at ease, which has the double-bonus of making you feel less activated. She offers these examples of what that might sound like: Here are some examples of what that might sound like, from Earnshaw: Just make sure to reiterate why their POV makes sense and what you’re taking accountability for while you explain your own side of the story. Avoid attempts to downplay your faults or their feelings about the situation. And frankly, focusing on that is just going to distract from what’s really important in the conversation: repairing the rupture, tending to your partner’s distress, and figuring out how to avoid upsetting each other again in the future. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
