As I tried to resolve these issues with myself, my therapist, and my husband, our marriage went into disarray. My husband became confused and angry at my complete change in attitude and actions. As I found my voice and better understood my needs, I became extremely protective of myself. I was drawing hard lines in the sand about scheduling around his busy and successful career and became inflexible once we made a plan. I became unwilling to compromise, as I felt that every compromise fell into the category of me compromising myself. Barriers are attempts at creating roadblocks to intimacy and will also create a lack of safety for you and the other party. Sometimes our attempts at self-care in our relationships can backfire because we become so protective of our voice and personal space. The pendulum can easily swing toward barriers before we find the right balance with our boundaries. For example, as a child I was often told I was “selfish,” which left me scared to play freely. As a young adult, each time I had to choose between doing something for myself or what others wanted me to do, I would choose the latter. The times that I did put myself first, I carried with me a sack of guilt and shame. It was a challenge for me to do the things that would nourish my heart and soul. When a person begins to heal and better understand the importance of boundaries, however, they can easily create barriers. When we began dealing with her boundary issues, she felt like she couldn’t “give in,” so she’d shut her boyfriend down by criticizing him or picking a fight. In her effort to set boundaries, she became so rigid that she completely cut off from her boyfriend, sexually and emotionally. Eventually, Jenni found her footing by learning to use her voice to express her needs. We worked on her ability to put words to her experiences and connect to her emotional state. Soon, she was able to comfortably share her vulnerability around sex with her boyfriend. This newfound emotional freedom even allowed her to feel her desire more deeply, and for the first time, she was able to initiate sex. When a client of mine named Amanda came to me in distress about her mother-in-law coming over and cleaning her house unsolicited, she was defensive and filled with shame. “I feel my mother-in-law is judging my domestic capabilities,” she said. “What gives her the right to come to my house and take over?” I shared with Amanda that it was her responsibility to say no if she felt that this was a violation of a boundary. While Amanda was scared to set a boundary with her mother-in-law because she feared her reaction and hurting her feelings, she reported back to me feeling empowered by her action. She also shared that she was gentle and kind with her mother-in-law, and they were able to mutually agree that if Amanda needed help, she would ask. A relationship with healthy boundaries supports independence and interdependence. We become more capable of recognizing what is our responsibility and what is the responsibility of others. When we have healthy boundaries, we can easily distinguish between our responsibilities in a situation and the contribution of another. We also become clear in our communication and use our voice appropriately. Eventually, my husband and I were able to understand that compromise didn’t have to mean compromising ourselves. We learned how to set clear expectations around our schedules—which also enabled us to each have flexibility while respecting the other’s needs. Communicating in a kind and gentle way can be the difference between setting boundaries and creating barriers. Sharing your feelings and desires may be difficult at first, and feelings of guilt and shame may arise. But by creating healthy boundaries, you are taking care of not only yourself but also your relationship, which benefits you both. Smith’s work helps clients resolve trauma and develop a deeper sense of personal safety and capacity for resilience and joy. She offers workshops on trauma healing online and worldwide.
