Conflict resolution may seem straightforward—if there’s a problem, then the people involved just talk about it, right? Well, it’s not always that simple. It can be, but more often than not, we can quickly lose sight of the root of the issue in conversations that get derailed by misconstrued feelings, projections, assumptions, or needs. Learning conflict resolution skills is important to success at work and in life, says Margolis—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone. Conflict resolution is also the glue that keeps relationships together successfully, says Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT, a licensed relationship therapist and co-founder of The Modern Love Box. No matter how much love two people have for each other, if they don’t know how to effectively resolve conflicts, “they can easily deteriorate their relationship,” Jeney tells mbg. “Conflict resolution serves as a place to build on trust, vulnerability, and clear up any misunderstandings, which all contribute to building more security within the relationship.” Here are a few other signs of conflict she and marriage and family therapist Amelia Flynn, LMFT, say will let you know it’s high time to resolve the issue: “Frequently, conflict arises when someone rubs you the wrong way, and they aren’t even aware that they did something to hurt or negatively impact you,” says Margolis. Rather than add to your stress by assuming malicious intent and blocking the pathways of open communication, she says it’s important to keep an open mindset. In turn, she says they’re able to look at the situation or conflict from a more understanding perspective. Until then, don’t force the conversation, says Cheema. Instead, wait until everyone can talk in a calm and professional manner, not to mention respectful. “And if tensions start to rise, take a break—either for a few minutes or even for a few days—until you can regroup with more clarity and objectivity.” The resolution, then, is in the management of the problem or dispute rather than a conventional solution. Here’s how you can reduce relationship conflict: We respond to conflict “from a subjective place not solely based on facts,” she says, adding that our culture and values provide context that affects how we see and assess it. Counseling can be a great place to better understand how your background and past experiences are affecting how you respond to conflict. “Learning about yourself is the key to starting the process of resolving conflicts with others,” adds Jeney, who says that conflict often happens when we recreate similar patterns in our relationships from childhood. And sometimes, “we don’t even realize we’re projecting our expectations from past unmet needs.” “A criticism is an attack on a person’s character, while a complaint is a request for change in a person’s behavior,” she writes at mbg. A complaint is descriptive and specific, she says, and it avoids words such as “always” and “never.” Because this open-minded and blameless communication “includes an invitation to brainstorm about alternatives,” it helps your partner be open to working together and less likely to react defensively. “Mutual respect is crucial to healthy communication skills and thus healthy conflict resolution,” says Flynn. “Respect means, ‘I value your opinion and equity in this relationship even when that may be difficult,’” which will allow more room for reconciliation to occur. Here are a few ways Carroll says you can create a safe, welcoming environment that encourages you to communicate openly: “You may feel innocent in causing the altercation but perhaps threw some darts that escalated the turmoil. Repair begins with an apology for your part in it, even if you think you’re only responsible for 2% of what happened,” couples’ counselor and sex therapist Deborah J. Fox, MSW, writes. When you’re ready to apologize to your partner, Fox suggests being genuine and vulnerable, and reminds that “a true apology comes without an explanation.” For smaller companies that can’t yet invest in training, she says to create a solid policy with specific guidelines for everyone’s role in a conflict, across all staff levels. (See the Society for Human Resource Management for help!) Ulysse notes that conflict resolution in the workplace ensures employees and departments can work well together without hostility or bitterness. Plus, both sides can have their unique perspectives heard. To pick the right conflicts to resolve, evaluate the conflict objectively. Ask yourself four important questions: First, remember you and the other person are on the same team—rather than opponents, you can be allies against the conflict. Presumably, you both want to have a peaceful, friendly, and productive work environment. Once you can acknowledge that shared goal, find common areas of agreement and objectives that also align with organizational goals. From there, here are a few problem-solving strategies to employ: One way Cheema says you can ensure you understand the situation during conflict resolution is to repeat back what someone says and then ask if you got it right. If not, have them help you clarify. With the right understanding, you can create (and follow through with) an action plan that outlines what a successful resolution will look like. As you listen, Margolis says to do so without interruption, and by maintaining eye contact and managing your facial expressions. “Despite your desire to set the record straight, if the other person shares something you disagree with, let them finish.” If you’ve made a few attempts to resolve the conflict but the other person isn’t responsive or willing, Margolis says that’s a cue to throw in the towel and walk away. But don’t see this as giving up. Successful conflict resolution requires two open people who are ready to listen and learn. If walking away isn’t possible—because this person is your superior or someone you work very closely with, for example—seek an HR professional or outside mediator. A third party who’s equipped to investigate the situation and guide resolution can help determine each person’s responsibilities along the best path forward. And besides helping you hold each other accountable in resolution, a mediator can advise preventive conflict resolution strategies for the future. However, learning resolution takes a lot of time, patience, and realistic expectations, so give yourself and the other person grace along the way. Although relationships may always experience conflict, Jeney says you’ll find healing and peace if all parties involved are committed to working on themselves plus your projections and insecurities, and learning how to effectively communicate them.
