Here’s the thing: While love is a biological need, desire is more centered on a motivation and drive. Desire is a fundamental human experience that we want to be present in our lives, and when we lose it, we lose an important connection with ourselves. Living without desire is like living without hope or inspiration. Desire is larger than the act of sex—it’s also about feeling like we deserve that wanting. When we feel desirable, we feel we have a sense of entitlement and subjective experience. Our desire lies in our motivational systems. Now, in the first column, fill in the blanks for the following: “when I think of sex, I think of…” “when I desire, I feel…” and “when I think about sex with my partner, I feel…” In the next column, do the same exercise, but with the word “love” instead of “desire.” Are the results different? In my experience, they are: Most people typically associate the word “desire” with words like “hot,” “power,” “hungry,” and “excited,” and “love” with words like “comfort” and “grounding.” Once you’re clear on exactly how you view each of these topics, have an open conversation with your partner about your feelings on each. You may find it opens some incredible doors and helps you understand your relationship—or if you’re not in a relationship, your underlying feelings about love and desire—a lot better. This advice comes directly from Esther Perel’s mbg class, The Essential Guide To Sparking Your Erotic Intelligence. For more wisdom from Perel, read up on what she believes is wrong with modern relationships. In a cover story, The New York Times named Perel the most important game changer on sexuality and relational health since Dr. Ruth. Her two critically acclaimed viral TED talks have reached over 16 million views in under 3 years and she has consulted on the award-winning Showtime drama, The Affair. In addition to Perel’s 34-year private practice in New York City, she is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an AASECT certified sex therapist, a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, and of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOffical on Instagram.
