Many couples are suddenly finding themselves stuck at home 24/7 with their partners right now due to social distancing measures. A hearty round of applause to all the couples who’ve thus been having a lot more sex these days because of all the extra time they’re spending together. Good for you guys. If you’ve fallen into the lattermost camp up until now, quarantining has probably not been treating you kindly. But here’s the thing: You really shouldn’t have to put up with forgoing your solo sex practice, especially at a time like this when we need all the self-care we can get. Masturbation provides stress relief, relaxation, and a sense of control over one’s own pleasure. And you deserve to have pleasure, now as much as ever. As much as we love the idea of couples being shackled up together and rekindling their sex life, the reality is that many people’s libidos don’t respond well to stress and uncertainty. That means we may not be in the mood for partnered sex at all, no matter how much more time we may be spending lounging on the couch together. But masturbation can often feel like an easier, lower-pressure way to access many of the physical and psychological benefits of orgasms, including a dose of feel-good oxytocin, lower anxiety, and a boost to our immune systems. “It is absolutely OK to masturbate with a partner around,” Lexx Brown-James, Ph.D., LMFT, a therapist and certified sex educator, tells mbg. Sure, it’s a little awkward at first, but it’s something most people can get used to easily—just like farting, pooping, picking at your pimples, singing, or any other usually private activity you eventually become comfortable doing in front of your partner. If you feel good about your masturbation practice, what’s wrong with the person you love and live with knowing about it? Of course, there’s also the question of how your partner feels about it. Particularly when you’re both home, some people can feel upset or rejected by their partner masturbating. I’m right here. Why not just have sex with me? The subtler question here: Am I not enough? “You can get into trouble with your partner if they misunderstand your relationship to masturbation, don’t know you masturbate, are burdened with their own sexual shame about masturbation, or view it as a threatening activity that may somehow reduce your attraction to them or siphon off your sexual energy,” couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, tells mbg. “Now more than ever, couples who are stuck together 24/7 may want to get brave and start having more regular, open conversations about sex in general and masturbation in particular.” Masturbation and sex generally serve different purposes. Most masturbation is more about an easily accessible hit of pleasure or an easy way to blow off steam, whereas sex (especially with a partner you love) is usually more about excitement, connection, desire, and art. One is meditative and comforting, whereas the other is creative and thrilling. Both have their place, and neither adequately replaces the other. Rather than opposing forces, the two often work in tandem. Research tells us that sexual desire is often buildable, with sexual intrigue one day leading to more of it the next. Some studies1 even suggest that a healthy solo sex practice complements a satisfying partnered sex life, with each fueling the other. That means a little masturbation might help you be more in the mood for sex with your partner, too. Sex begets sex. “I like to think of masturbation as one of those activities that couples can do independently of one another to keep the ‘pilot light’ of their desire burning, helping to sustain attraction to one another over time,” Muñoz says. “It can create the psychic space needed to keep couples sexually differentiated, just distant enough to help couples continually find sex with one another interesting and worth re-engaging in over and over again as they do their own ‘sexual research’ through masturbation with their own bodies. As Esther Perel has said of eroticism, ‘Fire needs air.’ Masturbation can provide some of that ‘air’ or space.” “Talking about masturbation, like anything in a relationship, can deepen our understanding of our partner—and of their relationship to their body, their sexuality, and pleasurable experiences,” Muñoz says. “Why do they masturbate? For release? For pleasure? To cope with anxiety? To detach and decompress? To stoke their inner sexual flame?” TENGA’s 2019 Self-Pleasure Report found 84% of Americans who’ve discussed masturbation with their partner found it to be an encouraging discussion. If your partner understands why you masturbate and all the positives you get from it, Muñoz adds, it’ll be easier for them to get on board and feel less threatened by it. It’s of course OK to not want sex in your relationship sometimes. If that’s a dynamic at play for you right now, it’s important to discuss it with your partner to make sure you know how to support each other. A general rule of thumb: When you’re feeling connected as a couple, it’s much easier to respond positively to a potential stressor. But if you’re already feeling disconnected or unhappy, that potential stressor can trigger a massive conflict. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
